For the love of winter

It is December here, and the skies are dressed in various shades of gray. The sun is hiding its features and the bald trees quiver under the chilly caress of the wind. The temperature is officially above zero, but to the wavering bodies outside it feels like a slide on the negative scale. Ah, the undesired joys of living so far away from the Equator...

Sometimes December explodes unashamed into the very summer of our existence.
We coast along a sun-drenched road and life smiles upon us at every turn. We ride on the heights of success, whatever that means, when suddenly... the train stops. The doctor calls. The door slams shut. The music is silent. Summer is over... forever it seems.

It may be the hard and painful struggle of a chronic illness. The end of a marriage in which you were Cinderella happily for ever after. The downward spiral of a decades-long career. In one moment, the fortress we have built for decades collapses and we die... at least the dream part of us is slowly submerged by the floods of despair.

We have all been, or will be, in that place of desolation and wilderness. We have tasted the agony of fear and have slumbered bewildered under the heaviness of "why". We search our hearts to find the root of our unexplained misfortune, to carve a path out of the mystery. We agonize under the silence of heaven and torture our souls in the labyrinth of possibilities, of explanations.

David, the man after God's own heart, was familiar with suffering. As I read the Scriptures, I see a man who was surrounded by enemies on every side and who experienced deep loss, including that of his sons. The psalms are littered with prayers for deliverance and divine intervention. At the same time, I see a man who grows in his resolve to trust God as his Lord rescues and prospers him through means unexplainable to our scientific minds. "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles... Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."

There are things that happen in our lives which will remain question marks on this side of heaven. At the same time, He gives us His peace which refuses to be shaken "even though the earth be removed and the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea". Sometimes the vessel of our inner being needs to be shattered so the sweet overtures of His love can burst with healing in our lives. The end of all things is that God is good - all the time!

Lessons from a two year old

As Michal and I are each engrossed into private electronic worlds (he is studying, I am sculpting memories), I can hear Joshua's high-pitched vocal gymnastics reverberate through our cozy apartment. He is upstairs, yet his voice penetrates the crustiest layers of concrete, and his laughter carries a contagious joy. At two, his world is filled with laughter. As Silvana and I at times converse on highly sophisticated topics, certain words will trigger torrents of laughter from his small frame. I remember how we would tell him about the Christmas tree, during the Christmas month, and his tiny body would shake with laughter. We would repeat the words-Christmas tree- and the same waterfall of sound. Certain gestures, so commonplace to us, respectable adults, would bring about the same expression of unrestrained joy. Then there are the serious moments when Joshua is supposed to appreciate the gravity of his discipline with an equaly grave expression of remorse; conversely, a gigantic smile would stretch his frame and his belly would expand and collapse with laughter. Although unstrestrained in his happiness, Joshua listens to his mother's wise instruction quite well (of course, his good behaviour is directly proportional to the number of candles on his birthday cake).

I was discussing with Michal the enviable properties of this stage of life, and we both agreed that we would gladly exchange the dignified world of adulthood, with all its dignified responsibilities, for a more juvenile phase of existence (of course, we are quite aware that the passage into adulthood is an irreversible transition and one that we hadn't voted on). There is a quality of unbriddled joy in the predictable existence of my two year-old nephew, and I imagine in every well-cared for toddler that is exploring the edges of their uncomplicated macrocosms. These are the days when the elements of life that we, the respectable adults, are no longer mesmerized by, fill their little eyes with wonder: the flight of wings on the crystal skies, the budding lillacs on well-accessorized lawns, the moist grass that trembles through their fingers, the white trail of a far-away airplane beyond the hazy clouds...

As I listen to Joshua's outburst of happy, unintelligible sounds, I am somewhat ashamed of how little I appreciate life. Somewhere between the trip to the bank and the red lights on the way back home, joy slippped through the open window, unannounced. I need to consiously travel through the universes of my worries and chase after this fragile lady that my nephew knows so well. Although I no longer can expect someone to guess my nods with delicious meals or fill my living room with eye-pleasing toys, I too am cared for with bounty that exceeds the splendor of summer gardens. My Father, the one who has colored my form with intelligent thought, a rainbow of emotions and breathed life into my spirit, has promised to unceasingly provide for all my needs, as He already has. I forget, or just refuse to, lift my eyes to the heavens and allow my grattitude to shine as bright as the twinkle of their stars. This day, as I savour the moment of the happiness that Joshua is a part of, I thank my God that all is well. Because of Him, I am putting aside the sour cloak of preconditioned frowning that adulthood imparted on me and, like my two year old nephew, I am stepping outside, in my brand new skinny jeans, to chase the puddles of our rainy streets. Maybe today we will catch the rainbow...

From my kitchen window

The sun splashes its tentacles of light into my kitchen, awakening my soul to sweet reveries. I can hear my nephew's laughter through the window, and his voice is the explosion of unrestrained joy. Joshua laughs at anything and everything; even the moments of discipline sustain the twinkle in his eye and the smile on his lips. A gentle breeze peers through the window, caressing my face with its silky touch. The maple tree is softly quivering, almost timidly, under the exuberant admiration of little Joshua.

It is a perfect day to be in love... and I am. I am in love with The Word, the Alpha that spoke the grandeur of nature into existence, and the Omega that sustains its atoms in their orbits. He is the great "I am", the one and only who is unshackled by time and unconfined by space. The eternal Word has left His imprint in the vast mystery of the skies, the raging majesty of the oceans and the myriad of organisms in between. He engineered the machinery of life and He invested His image in every Adam and Eve that roams His late great planet Earth.

From my kitchen window, I still see the maple trembling softly under the breath of the quiet breeze. As its branches grow larger day by day, its leaves clap in adoration of the Word that keeps it upward. I hear Joshua's river of laughter, and listen to his fragmented words expressing his inward fascination. This is my Father's world...